genesis: chapter 16... drain the pool

Now Sarai, Abram's wife, had borne him no children. (16:1)

So she takes matters into her own hands and tells her husband to have sex with her servant and the child would be hers and that's how the promise would be fulfilled?

It's so easy for me to judge Sarai. How could she do such a stupid thing? Didn't she believe God's promise? But that woman had waited for years- into old age- longing for a child. God's promise was like a carrot at the end of a mile-long stick. Did Sarai care that Abram would be the father of nations? I'm pretty sure she just wanted a baby. I hear there's no longing like the unfulfilled longing of wanting to be a mom. I'm not even going to pretend I know what that feels like. These days there are different ways of getting around infertility (none of which I am morally commenting on by the way). Back then you had sex with your wife's servant.

Have I ever wanted something so much that I would do anything to make it happen? Even though my meddling would result in a bastardized version of what God really wanted for me? Lately, I've been realizing that all of the discontent I carry about my life flows from one stagnant pool of unrealized entitlement. As in, "I deserve that but am not getting it" and especially, "I deserve that because I've waited so long for it." Did Sarai think she deserved a baby right away because she had waited for one for so long?

There is no formula that says that the longer I wait for something the more I deserve it. In reality, I not only deserve nothing, I deserve less than nothing. And even as I write this I sickly congratulate myself on the disclosure of this humble discovery -NOW I actually DO deserve everything I've waited for. What a joke. It's still not true. I don't. The only person who says I do is me, and because of that I walk around believing that what I have before me isn't good enough. I am living in the future, not embracing the present. I am pushing away the bountiful plate of food set before me, whining because I want something better to eat.

From now on, by God's grace alone, I refuse to expect any more than I have been given, and I refuse to apologize for what I don't have to whoever might judge me for it. I refuse to take matters into my own hands and bear something that's not meant for me.  I will, by the power of God, exercise patience and wait- cultivating gratitude and murdering entitlement. I want only to receive from the Lord without my hand-print on any part of it. I mean, who gets the credit for that mess? Me. Who gets the credit for the real thing? God. It's so much more soul-filling to give credit where it's due, when it's due- to God alone.

genesis: chapter 15... something from nothing

After these things the word of the Lord came to Abram in a vision, saying "Do not be afraid, Abram. I am your shield, your exceedingly great reward." (15:1)

I wonder what Abram was worried about. He just conquered a bunch of armies what could he be afraid of?

Was he feeling a bit sick in his stomache? Uneasy like something was wrong but he couldn't put his finger on it? I'll tell you what next time I've got goosechills and butterflies I'm chanting this verse into my heart: "I am your shield, your exceedingly great reward." Amen.

God is telling Abram not to worry- He's got it covered and smothered. Abram questions Him back about the logistics of God's promise to make Him the father of countless when the only kid in his life is a servant's child born in his house. Abram is old, Sarai is old, the promise is old. But God re-affirms it by taking Abram outside and making him look up- showing him the stars.

Roman 4:17b says (referring directly to Abram's promise): God, who gives life to the dead and calls those things which do not exist as though they did... and then Abram in verse 18: contrary to hope, in hope believed.

There was nothing in Abram's sight to make him even start to believe the crazy, outer limits promise that God had bestowed upon him. But against all hope he believed. So I decided that I'm going to believe, too. Not just for the little things that I usually pray for, but for the big, crazy stuff for me and my kids and my man and my family. I am praying this verse back to God that He will call into existence things that do not exist. He's done it before. He did it when He created the universe and the earth and the people in it. He did it when he called me from death to life. He did it when He fulfilled His promise to Abram. That's what He does, makes things that weren't there, there. I know what I am praying for and it's pretty radical. But not unthinkable, especially when you look up and see what Abram saw in the sky.